A look in the mirror

I like to perform.  I love to teach.  But I am compelled to create music.  Some days I want to compose and record.  Other days I want to just play the standard classical guitar repertoire.  And then there are the days when I want to seek out the obscure pieces to learn what I've overlooked.

That's one of the things I admire about classical guitar.  I've got 500 years worth of music to wallow in.  I might be in the mood to play some renaissance music one day and the next day I'll transcribe and play a solo arrangement of a tune by Maroon 5 (Yep. I've done that.)  And if I'm not happy doing any of that I can always compose something new.  I jump around a lot.

My biggest problem is that I'm impatient.  I told my wife that I want a shirt that reads: "I can be patient......for a minute."  I don't always want to take the time to perfect something.  That's a serious character flaw for an artist.  When someone told me that Handel had composed his famous "Messiah" in only three weeks my first thought was "ONLY??!!"  I want to write something like that on a rainy afternoon......during the commercials.

Somehow I'm able to be patient with my students.  Patience in the studio is always natural and never forced.  I don't understand it.  And when I'm encouraging my students to take the long view and be patient with the process I have this little voice in my head that says, "Are you listening to yourself?  Has it ever occurred to you to take your own advice?"

Although I don't think I will ever lose my love of teaching, I don't feel as motivated to perform concerts.  If an opportunity comes along I will take it, but I'm not marketing myself as a concert artist any longer.  I like it, but I don't love it.  I still continue to perform at weddings and to be an active church musician.  I don't love it, but I do like it.

I have a renewed interest in composing.  I used to write a lot.  I found that a pretty fair market for me, way back then, was in film scoring.  I created music for some very good documentaries and a handful of local commercials.  But, for a variety of reasons, I got away from it.  Today writing for its own sake is very appealing.  And with the availability of internet distribution the music can be heard.  At least once.

Practicing or composing and recording are all done in solitude.  Teaching forces me out of my office and my hermit lifestyle.  A form of therapy that I look forward to.  It brings balance to my professional life.

I don't think I'm surprised by any of this.  A quiet and simple life has always been more appealing to me than the life of the rich and famous.  I don't necessarily court anonymity, just a simple recognition of my modest accomplishments and the opportunity to continue.  I am compelled to create music -  and musicians.