I've been sick with a cold all week. That really shouldn't be a big deal. Everyone deals with having a cold from time to time. I was forced to take the entire week off from teaching but was able to suppress the urge to use the universal complaint, "This was really a bad time to catch a cold." Is there ever a "good" time?
As colds go, this one was fairly mild. There were a handful of minor symptoms and two really bad ones. The first was the constant need for sleep. I would allow myself to sleep in, but an hour later I needed a nap. Naps all day, every day for a week. Only cats and teenage girls need that much sleep.
The other symptom was apathy. This one I found a bit disturbing. I didn't play guitar for a week and I didn't care. I didn't care to hear music, talk about music, consider teaching, or any of the other things in my professional life that I hold dear. Intellectually I knew that it was caused by the illness and the feelings were temporary. But emotionally I was shook up.
Music has always been with me. But so has my enthusiasm for music. This enthusiasm has seen me through the hard times. It has pushed me toward creativity, lifted me over the technical hurdles of my instrument, and given me the words I need to be an effective teacher. I depend on it for my survival and for a brief few days it was gone.
Every artist in every discipline can relate. This enthusiasm, or passion to use a cliche, is our prime motivator and is very difficult to deny. Some might refer to it as an addiction, but it's more fundamental than that. More aligned with eating and sleeping. This is why I guffaw at the notion of retirement. Retirement from eating, breathing, and sleeping can be risky. But I didn't step away from music. Music stepped away from me and I didn't see that coming.
It was a peculiar sensation. Like being disconnected from yourself. I had a wide variety of thoughts on the subject for a few days. Most of them were even more melodramatic. Fortunately I'm feeling much better and my life is getting back to normal. My enthusiasm has returned, albeit tempered by my need to grab a nap from time to time.
This enthusiasm for music has always been with me. Until last week, I would have said that I can't remember a time when it wasn't there. I won't ever take it for granted again. I realize now more than before how wonderful a gift it is. As Joni Mitchell reminded us, "You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone".